dating apps suck

and i hate it here

I’ve grown tired of dating apps, as have we all. I’ve been trying to figure out why no one on there is attractive anymore. Maybe I’ve gotten pickier over the years. Maybe the good people have all been taken by now. Maybe I’m in that valley before people get divorced then I’ll get my pick again in like five years?

I remember the glory that was swiping on Tinder ten years ago. The next person could be my soulmate. Ooh, he’s cute! He has nice eyes. Mmmm, not for me, but he’ll make someone very happy one day.

Now?… No. No. No. No. May-no. Ew. No. No. No. No. No. Republican! Absolutely the fuck not. Ew. No. No. No. No. No. This one is… fine, I guess. Didn’t match? Great. I actually don’t care. No. No. No. Creepy. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. And that’s enough self inflicted suffering for today that will never amount to anything. Where’s my vibrator?

I don’t even get excited to match with people anymore because I know they’ll never message me. If I message first, they might send a brief response, but it won’t be engaging. Then I will give up trying immediately because frankly, it’s not worth my time.

Dating apps used to give me at least a bit of a serotonin boost. Ooh, someone thinks I’m cute!

Now? I mean obviously we matched, I’m so far out of his league.

I’ve gotten cynical and annoyed and I don’t even know why I’m on Tinder anymore.

Probably because I share the sentiment with other people: how else am I supposed to hypothetically meet anyone? Walk up to strangers on public transit and ask what they’re talking about? Bat my eyes at the cashier at 7-Eleven? Buy a bird whistle and go walk around in the woods?

I don’t know how to do this.

Well, lucky for me, there are now other ways to meet people! There are these new apps popping up everywhere that pair you with a group of random people and send you on a group hang or group date.

“We know dating apps suck super bad. They really screwed us all up, huh? Human connection is so much better! That’s why we created this app where we pair you with a group of strangers and you will all meet for a few weeks and get to know each other! No pressure, it’s all casual!”

Sounds a little better than Tinder, okay. I’d like new friends. Maybe a lover if I’m lucky.

I’ve seen these and considered joining. I made an account.

Then they want me to PAY THEM MONEY TO HANG OUT WITH REAL PEOPLE.

Wow! So cool of them! They figured it out! Use capitalism to fix a problem that capitalism created in the first place! So original!

No, they saw people struggling for human connection and wanted to profit off it.

Fucking capitalism. Every time I start ranting about something it always seems to come back to capitalism…

How the fuck am I supposed to find someone to date or anyone to fuck even if I don’t play the game?

But the game is corrupt.

The whole system sucks.

I want out! I wanna go live on a commune with all my friends.

And yet. I’ll stay here, swiping. Because that .000000001% chance that I’ll meet someone great is enough to keep the hope alive. I guess. Kind of.

Not really.